2022.nov.16
I wonder if I know myself a lot less than I thought, and that results in me making statements that don't always hold up. Is this something I need to feel so horrible about? How do other people go about their lives? Surely I'm not in the minority where I say statements about myself that only hold true in certain situations? Anyways, where I really wanted to go with this entry is about music, more specifically classical music. Tonight I watched a concert, a student concert. There's a lot to cover. In rough, I'm going to (un)cover my thoughts on 1) listening to classical music, 2) orchestral music and student groups, and 3) performing and creating music.
Listening to Classical Music
My roommate actually stated earlier in the day that apparently I said I hate classical music. I wouldn't put it past me to say something along those lines, or be confusing enough for her to think that, but hate is certainly not true. I dislike using classical music as study music, because of 1) a weird mix of respect and belief that the music is so complex that to truly enjoy it, I need to completely pay attention to it. I think the best way to explain this is like food. I think the best way to enjoy food is to silently eat without anything going on in the background. But in the case of music, I am preventing myself from listening to classical music because I can't commit the time and effort it takes to stop everything else I'm doing and just listen to the music. and 2) music that goes on for too long in the background turns into white noise, and classical music is especially susceptible to that, since it's so so complex. I say this while listening to classical music in the background. The hypocripsy. But maybe I need to extend the analogy to food even more. Just because I can't always be in a situation where I can eat food without any distractions and in peace, I should loosen up my requirements to listen to classical music. Afterall, there's so much classical music out there, and although the impact of the piece is dampened because I'm exploring what's out there in the background, nonetheless, I'm listening and discovering pieces I know I'll enjoy even more when I solely pay attention to it. With regards to my roommate, she reasoned that because I dislike Vivaldi and am extremely resistent to going to Severence Hall, I must dislike listening to classical music, at least to some extent - and I understand where she comes from. I have an inkling why but I mostly have no idea why, that even the thought of listening to Vivalidi genuinely fills me with rage. As for Severence Hall, I reasoned that I hate going out. But I go out all the time? I even went out tonight to see a student concert - more on that later. And I know what really determines whether or not I go out is my emotional attachment. The bottom line is, if there's people I wish to see, people who I want to support or media pieces which I feel deeply about, I will go, and think that makes me normal. I think what is especially difficult with classical music, art, and movies and shows, is remembering that these are all genres in their own right. There's so much variety in classical music, and I am guilty of forgetting that I can enjoy certain pieces in classical music, certain artists, and not feel so deeply about the other stuff.
Orchestral Music and Student Groups
As to why student groups is its own topic, orchestral music is the subgenre of classical music that I would prefer not to listen to - unless again, I have some personal connection to it. There are a couple reasons for this. The first would be the scale of orchestral music, orchestras can have up to 100 musicians, while chamber orchestras and groups can have anywhere from 3 to 24 performers. As I was listening to tonight's concert, I remembered why I prefer chamber music and solo performance so so much more, and it's because in smaller group ensembles, you can hear the performer. You can hear the performer's personality, character, and vision for the piece. This is why I also immensely enjoy chamber orchestras - essentially mini orchestras for those who are unfamiliar. In orchestral music, you hear the composer, you hear their ego, and you hear their vision. This can be a wonderful thing, and it was It was a fantastic suprise for tonight's performers to really evoke that character in Liszt's Les Preludes. But I'd argue that you more often then not, lose an important sense of intimacy. The sense of grandious landscapes, fate, battles and all these greater things can become tiring and what I really love are the smaller things. Wistful love ballads, lullabies, chants, folk tunes, the here and now are what really touches me. The amount of which a piece can emotionally appeal to me can also be a result of having performed the piece before. More often than not, this outlier case applies to orchestral pieces. Whenever I listen to pieces I have previously performed, I recall the rehearsals and precise sections of the piece, the ups and downs that me and the other performers had during this time. Most concisely, my thoughts are "Oh I remeber this section," and whether or not it was a particularly melodic line, or technically challenging one, I all back on all of them fondly. Furthermore, I actually most vividly recall the moments during the concert where I'm intensely aware and basking in the sense that I'm making something larger than myself. I don't think I'm describing in justice my listening experience, but I do get very emotional. I think that's why I find it so difficult to listen to student/amateur groups. Immersion is important to me, precisely because I'm thinking of all these things, but immersion is a fragile thing. While I don't have the most precise ear, I can pick up very easily (unintentinionally) out of tune performers, out of sync, time slip ups, shaky techniques, on an on. I dislike hearing the technical difficulties, and I do think this criticallity ruins my experience more than it has to. But I'm not quite sure how to remedy this.
On Performing and Creating Music
I played violin and viola for a number of years before college and as with any activity that you do for many years, there's a large stock of memories, stories, and feelings that come with it. I do feel immesely proud of where I achieved with the violin and viola and the performance activities I've done. Going into college, I had anticipated continuing to perform; however, reality hit and it became increasingly difficult to practice with my course load, research, and other extracurriculars. That wasn't the only reason though, on why I stopped. The other reason was that I disliked the ensembles here. My high school orchestra certaintly did not have a very high skill bar, but we had such camaraderie, and our orchestra director is one of the most amazing people I know. My local orchestra group has deep ties with the National Symphony Orchestra and is one of the best orchestra training programs in the nation, so the skill level was through the roof. So coming to my college's orchestra group, not enjoying the repertoire, not likeing the director, being unfamiliar with the people in the orchestra, my experience was at a bad middle ground. I tried out the chamber music program here as well (small group ensembles course) and again, my previous experience vastly outshone my current one. I would say one of the most important aspects of creating music to me is to feel connected to other people and build towards something larger than myself, and when I saw I couldn't achieve that here, I left my instruments at home, and dedicated myself to my studies. To others, I say that I'm satisfied with where I got, and although bittersweet, I'm alright with closing that chapter and starting a new one. I still think this is true, but I think somewhere in my future needs to involve performing or creating music. For these past four years, whenever I have heard any piece that I remotely enjoy, I always think that I should be creating music. And to some extent, I do think I've been beating myself too hard, we (college students) hardly even have time to read books. But I love music, and it's important to me, so Let it be known now that the end of my undergraduate studies is next installment of my life, and in this new season, I'll be creating music, writing essays like this, and living my life more outside of my studies.
What am I left with after this reflection? Classical music close to my heart and I will make the time to be more active in listening to, performing and creating clasical music. This was a good reflection session.